Post 2: Live from the van

O hello there. So good to see you again.a new day has dawned…trust me I was up early enough to watch the sun rise, and I am ready to continue where I left off.

Reading, pa. yeehaw

We got to reading, and put off checking into the hotel so that we could get some chow. We chose the best available option that reading had to offer, T G I Fridays. It was that or applebees and we’d had that the night before…so we figured that the Friday’s twist on bland American food would be a delightgul change of pace. (please don’t think I don’t like Friday’s…I find it to be very nice most of the time, but when chain restraints become your number one/only option for meals you find yourself missing dining hall food, and that’s pretty sickening. I almost jus wanted some ramen and meatload…eeek. So we had a lovely meal and moved on to dessert. We really wanted some DQ, cuz who wouldn’t want dairy queen blizzard to top off a thrilling day on the road. Unfortunately we couldn’t find one…those dq’s are elusive sons of bitches. Luckily, we found something way way way better (the three ways are necessary to get across just how incredible the place we found was) We came across a Dairy Swirl. Now, I don’t know how many of you know about the Dairy Swirl, but its basically ice cream heaven. They’ve begun to franchise themselves out like transvestite whores in new york city, and I was millimeters away from dropping out of the tour to open my own dairy swirl in the location of my choice…possible tempe, Arizona or perhaps boise, Idaho…but alas I couldn’t leave the joys of touring for theatreworks, no matter how exciting the prospect of owning my own dairy swirl might be (plus, I’m young, the future may still have dairy swirl ownership in store for me). So there we all were at the dairy swirl. We all were craving blizzards from the dq, but like I said, the dairy swirl was way better and they had their own take on the blizzard…the Arctic Swirl. Unreal is all I can say. I got my blizzard combo of chocolate soft serve and butterfinger topping and I was knocked off my ass with its exquisite deliciousness. Everyone got wonderful combos, but tricia almost didn’t get hers because when she ordered it, she called it a blizzard instead of an arctic swirl, and being that the dairy swirl and dairy queen are swift competitors, the works at the dairy swirl got slightly miffed that she would be so rude as to refer to the arctic swirl by its lesser step-cousin the blizzard. As we were enjoying our tasty treat at the dairy swirl, the mayor of reading made a celebrity appearance and joined us. Mayor Black (that’s what he told us his name was) was a joy and delight…truly capturing the spirit of the wonderful folk of reading. At one point we mentioned the word “rear” and all of a sudden Mayor Black become hostile. “Keep it G-Rated” He stammered, shaking in a violent rage. We certainly didn’t intend to put off the mayor of reading and his constituents, so we apologized immediately. He asked us where we were from, and we answered truthfully. “NYC BITCHES!!” and he replied “Oh, that explains it.” And then he up and left before his arctic swirl was even ready. Luckily he’d already paid so I got his arctic swirl for free. So if you’re reading this Mr. Black, mayor of Reading, PA, thank you for your hospitality and thank you for the arctic swirl. As we were leaving, we asked if there was a DQ near by, and apparently a mere half mile on down the road, we woulda found exactly what we were looking for. Oh reading! Then we hit up the econolodge, checked in, and you no about my experience there
The next day we took off for OH…..IO…woo woo. We drove lots and lots, its was super uneventful, stopped at a Q…where I got my sandwich sent through the toaster twice, cuz that’s what my awesome girlfriend taught me to do, cuz she used to work at the Q when she was a teenager. (Thanks heather dawn. I love those sandwiches double cooked) When I asked to have the sandwich sent through twice, the old haggity woman working, said, “you know, if I put it through twice, itll burn” to which I replied, “oh yeah” to which she replied, “you sure you want me to do that,” to which I replied, “OH YEAH!” then while I was waiting for it to come out, the man behind me saw how crispy my sandwich was, and he exclaimd, “oh no, I hope my sandwich isn’t that burned,” to which I replied, “don’t worry sir, I had them send mine through twice to make it that way,” to which he replied, “you can do that here,” to which I replied, “oh yeah,” and then I took my sandwich, walked away, and enjoyed its crispy deliciousness.
Our vans stopped in Wilmington, OH, but my trip continued on down to Cincinnasty! That’s right. I got to go home for the night, a wonderful unexpected treat for all involved. I got good eats, good company, and some wonderful down time with my family; not to mention the fact that my pillow smelled nothing of latex, and if there was a condom in my waste basket at home it woulda meant that somebody I know and love was getting action, and who can argue with that! Go get’em dad! And if its not yours dad, than the boy that tried to sleep with my angelic little sister better start running to a monastery cuz I’m driving a huge cargo van right now, and if I find out who you are, I’m coming for you. Bitch. Watch you back. I might even be behind you right now with a pickle… (ha made you look). Anyway, home was great. My sister had just had her gallbladder removed so I got to hug her and spend some time with her while she was stuck in bed, and I made her smile at least once which is better than nothing. Let me just take this moment to say that my sister is the absolute coolest person I know, and anyone that doesn’t know her should take the time to get to know her cuz she’s the strongest bravest person I’ve ever met and I love her very much. Ok. Serious moment over, back to the tour where I dress of like a girl bunny scout.
The next day I met the gang in kenwood, we grabbed some graters (only the worlds best ice cream) and hit the road. We headed down the lousiville, Kentucky, where we were scheduled to do a 15 minute showcase of our show for a bunch of theatre bookers. We were basically there to whore out the show and make money for the company. (the even called and asked me to make gracie extra enticing and sexy. I told them not to worry cuz I do that for the 3 year olds every day anyway so I wont have to adjust a thing) so we got to l-town, loaded in the set (which is just as fun as ever) and went and checked into the hotel. Then we saw a skyline and hit that shit up hard….mmmmm 3 coneys….heaven. And then, steve, the theatreworks rep that was there kinda in charge took out the whole cast for dinner at pf changs. It was hot shit is all im sayin. The boys coordinated there outfits, and we all wore cowboy shirts, and the girls all looked lovely and we ate our sweet asses off. Steve-o ordered every appetizer on the menu, then we all got our own entrees (I got seafood of course) and then he ordered all the desserts on the menu…not to mention we all drank as much as we wanted…I put back a few knobcreeeks…yee haw. We stuffed outrselves silly, it was kinda sick. Then we hit up home and went to bed so we could be up and in the van by 6 to go to do the whoring. We whored exceptionally well, and gracie got lots of cat calls when she made her first bunnyscout appearance. (I’m super hot in the costume, its unreal) and now we’re back on the road again headin south. Tourin is crazy times. Tensions get high sometimes, especially when rule 66 gets broken. We have lots of rules…and 66 is the hardest to keep, but I’m sure there will be a rule posting in the near future. More to come….more to come.